


Stress (A Trip Down Memory Lane)

by ThePenguinOfDeath



Series: Personal Trainer AU [6]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, College, Comfort, Cute, F/M, M/M, Memories, Past, Past Relationship(s), References to Addiction, References to Drugs, Sleepy Cuddles, Stress Relief, Supportive!Gabriel, human!Gabriel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-09
Updated: 2014-04-11
Packaged: 2018-01-18 19:24:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1439938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThePenguinOfDeath/pseuds/ThePenguinOfDeath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam has been working non-stop recently and both his body and mind are feeling the consequences. More than that, he's feeling increasingly guilty about keeping so much of his past a secret. But Gabe is smarter than he looks, and sooner or later, he's going to confront Sam about everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Worry, Sleep, Work, Repeat

**Author's Note:**

> This should be a two-shot – most of the explaining stuff will happen in the next chapter. I hope you enjoy it! This will make a lot of references to things that happened in Clingy Exes and Devious Plans so you may want to reacquaint yourself with that story before reading.

There were things about Sam that Gabriel still didn’t know.

He didn’t know why Sam arranged to meet up with Dean every fortnight even if he was super busy and ought to be spending the time doing something else. He didn’t know how close the brother had once been, and how they were slowly trying to mend the fractures in their relationship. He didn’t know that Dean had raised Sam after the death of his dad. Sure, he knew John had died when Sam was a teen, and Mary when he was a baby, but he didn’t know the details. He had never pushed for them. It was nice, not being forced, but Sam didn’t know how to bring it up on his own.

Gabriel didn’t know about Sam’s college years. The incident with Ruby had given him a glimpse, but nothing concrete. Sam was even more reluctant to talk about that than he was about Dean. True, the two were irrevocably linked, but the Ruby days were far worse than family drama. The scandals of Sam’s past could fill a whole library of books. He would never be able to explain them all, even if he wanted to.

There were smaller things too – Sam had never told Gabe about his wish for a dog, or the brochure about Spain he kept tucked under the bed in hopes he could go someday. He knew that Sam liked to be dominant in bed and struggled with submission, but he didn’t know that Sam also liked pain with his pleasure. (That, again, delved to close to the Ruby-era for Sam’s comfort). It was trivial, really, and Sam expected that most partners had secrets, but as time went by, he couldn’t help but think that there was just too much that Gabe didn’t know.

He had been on edge all week. The city’s half-marathon was a week and a half away, and work was teeming with people who were competing in it. Sam could barely catch a break, working almost solidly from seven in the morning until eight at night and only just dragging himself home before collapsing to repeat the cycle again. He worked six days a week and used the spare day to improve his own fitness and alternately meet up with Gabe and Dean. He knew that Gabe was feeling a bit ignored, but he had so much going on that his boyfriend’s feelings ended up on the wayside.

He was therefore rather surprised when he collapsed on the couch on Friday night only to hear the doorbell ring.

Dragging himself up, Sam idly wondered if he was expecting a late delivery. He grabbed his wallet just in case, opening the door and blinking in shock at the sight of Gabriel standing there.

“Gabe!”

“Hey, Sasquatch. Feels like we haven’t had any time together in ages.”

Sam opened his mouth to apologise, but Gabe waved him off.

“Don’t worry, I get it. I’ve seen you at work. You’d work yourself to death if you didn’t have Dean-o and I. Can I come in? I’m freezing my balls off out here and they’re definitely my best asset.”

Honestly, Sam was too tired to want to spend any time with Gabe. It wasn’t Gabe’s fault, it was his, but he doubted he could stay awake long enough for a proper conversation. But he had been neglecting Gabe recently, and he was feeling guilty over all the secrets he kept, so he waved Gabe in. Shutting the door, Sam wondered how best to disguise his sleepy state.

“You got any beer?”

One advantage to dating Gabriel was he talked enough for two. Sam had a feeling that the guy would probably carry on a conversation with himself if Sam fell asleep.

“It’s in the garage where it normally is. Do you want me to get it?”

“Nahh, don’t worry. I want to talk to you, not have you fall asleep on the garage floor.”

Sam blushed. He had forgotten how perceptive Gabe was.

Gabe plopped himself down on the couch and Sam followed, slightly unsure what to say.

Gabe gave him a strange look. “Come here,” He offered, holding out his arms.

Sam felt immeasurably grateful as he melted into Gabriel’s embrace. He wasn’t normally this out of it, it had just been a really bad week. Stress had a tendency to fry his brain. It was why he had switched out of pre-Law, amongst other things...

‘Don’t go there!’ His brain screamed at him, but Sam’s thoughts were already hitting overdrive at the memories of college.

“Woah, Samalam, you in there? Jeez, if I didn’t know better I’d say you were high.”

Sam tensed.

His rational mind knew that Gabe wasn’t psychic. But Sam was running on energy drinks, adrenaline and sleep deprivation. His rational mind wasn’t as in control as it should have been. So he couldn’t stop the panicked shudder that wracked his body at Gabe’s words.

“Sammy? Sam? What’s wrong? Come on, talk to me.”

“It’s nothing.” Sam was proud of how normal the words sounded when he finally got them out.

“Sam, this is not nothing. Look at me.”

Sam looked up and met the worried caramel eyes of his boyfriend. He sighed, moving back and out of Gabe’s embrace. He didn’t deserve this. If he fucked this up it was entirely his fault.

“Don’t worry, Gabe. I’m fine. Just not getting enough sleep.”

“No shit Sherlock.”

Sam cracked a smile.

“But I’m not just talking about your out-of-it attitude. What was that a moment ago? Did I say something?”

“No.” Sam replied too quickly, but now was not the time for this. “It was nothing. I’m just tired and stressed and I feel like a shitty boyfriend because I’ve been ignoring you. And I want to talk to you and cuddle and fuck on the couch like we normally do, but I really need to lie down and pass out. I’m sorry. It’s not you.”

Gabe shifted closer, curling an arm around Sam’s shoulders and pressing a kiss into his neck.

“Chill, Sammy. It’s fine. Let’s go up to bed and sleep and we can talk about this in the morning.”

“I have work.”

“You have bags under your eyes and smell like death, no offence. You’ve been working too much. Your job’s demanding, you can’t physically push yourself to do such intensive regular shifts. Just call in and take the morning off.”

Gabriel was right and Sam knew it. As a personal trainer, he couldn’t work twelve hours a day six days a week. Most office workers couldn’t do that, and his job involved serious exercise sometimes. Not to mention he was planning on running the half-marathon with most of his clients. But he didn’t want to tell his boss no in case he got fired – his job was precarious enough as it was.

Not that Gabe knew that.

“Ok.” Sam agreed. “I’ll go in for afternoon shift.”

He stood up and stretched, before glancing back at Gabe.

“You don’t have-“

“I know I don’t have to stay. I want to stay. Now go to bed mister before I have to drag your muscular ass up the stairs.”

A weak laugh tore itself from Sam’s throat and he smiled, kissing Gabe briefly before heading upstairs. Gabe was amazing. That was why he had to know everything – someone as good as him deserved to know.

But would he still want Sam when he knew all about the past?


	2. Put The Past Behind You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam is finally coming clean about his past. But will Gabe still want to be with him when all his dirty little secrets are aired?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise the next installment in this 'verse will be less heavy.

Sam woke up with a heavy weight draped across his chest.

For a moment he was confused, wondering if something had fallen on him during the night. But then pieces of the evening before started to slot together in his brain, and he groaned.

Damnit. He just had to go and mess everything up, didn't he?

Gabriel shifted on Sam's chest, and Sam debated whether he could pretend to be asleep. He wanted to savour the moment. It was perfectly probable that this would be the last morning him and Gabe would ever wake up together – Gabe would never want to stay with him when he heard about Sam's past. Sam should never have agreed to divulge anything. Some things should always remain a secret.

"Morning, Sammy." Gabriel's voice was rough with sleep and Sam fought down the arousal that stirred.

"Morning. I hope you slept OK." Sam didn't know what to say.

"Mm. I had the world's best pillow. We have got to do this more often."

A pang went through Sam's chest. He wanted to do this again, God knew he did. But Gabe wouldn't want to after Sam revealed everything.

"Yeah," Sam agreed simply.

Gabe rolled over and stood up, stretching his arms above his head. Sam's eyes strayed to his exposed waistline for a moment before he pulled his vision away. Now was not the time.

"Breakfast and caffeine. Then we can talk." Gabe was amazingly coherent in the mornings.

Deciding not to argue, Sam sat up and pulled a pair of trousers over the boxers he had been sleeping in. Not bothering with a shirt, he followed Gabe downstairs and watched his boyfriend make breakfast.

It was slightly strange, Gabe making the breakfast in Sam's house, but he was definitely the better cook. Plus, when he was nervous Sam tended to burn things, and eating charcoal wasn't going to put Gabe in an understanding mood.

Savouring what could be the end of their relationship, Sam moved closer and pressed a kiss on Gabe's cheek. Gabe smiled, turning to give Sam a proper kiss, his hands falling to Sam's waist. They both had morning breath, but neither of them cared. It was wonderfully domestic, and Sam hoped that this wasn't the end.

It was foolish to hope, but Sam was a fool. His past proved that beyond doubt. He was a fool who thought he was clever and therefore made bigger mistakes than most people could make in three lifetimes.

Once Gabe had cooked breakfast – delicious bacon and eggs that had Sam's mouth watering – Sam washed up, allowing his boyfriend to shower. On another occasion, he might have joined Gabe, but Gabe had shaken his head at the silent question. He was already pulling away, Sam could sense it. But he didn't deserve Gabe, so he wasn't going to fight to pull him back.

When Gabe reappeared, Sam was sat on the couch waiting for him. He couldn't put this off any longer. It was time.

"Alright, Sammy. You've been looking like you're going to have a nervous breakdown all morning. You may as well spill whatever has you so wound up. It's not going to make me think any differently of you, I promise."

Don't make promises you can't keep." Sam's voice was morose.

"I never do." Gabe wrapped Sam up in a hug, and Sam returned it, pressing his face into Gabe's shoulder. Gabe smelt like his shampoo. On any other occasion it would have been erotic, but now, it just made Sam sadder.

"I don't know where to start." It was the truth. Sam's entire life was a train wreck, he could start anywhere.

"From the beginning?"

Sam sighed. "I killed my mum when I was six months old."

Gabe was silent.

"She took me out of my crib because she was planning on taking Dean and I to the park. She set me on the table and there was a candle. It wasn't close to me or anything, it was on a shelf, but somehow I knocked her handbag and it hit a broom and there was a domino effect, and basically I set the room on fire. Dean was four and he carried me out. Mum didn't make it."

Gabe placed a hand on Sam's shoulder. "I'm sorry, Sam. But it wasn't-"

"It was my fault. Don't tell me it wasn't. Maybe it was an accident and maybe I was too young to realise what I was doing, but I still did it. No-one else was to blame."

Sam took a breath, trying to stop the tears that were forming in his eyes.

"After that, we grew up all over the place. Dad switched trades, became a firefighter – a specialist. We were always moving round with his work. Dean adjusted well to life on the road, but I didn't. I had trouble making new friends and then leaving. I started growing angry, resentful at dad for disrupting my childhood. It wasn't his fault, but I still blamed him. He was stressed and I wasn't helping, and then he started drinking more to cope and Dean had to look after me even thought he was barely fourteen. It went on and on until dad got drunk and was driving home and hit a tree, and, well. I had killed my father too."

"If he hit a tree, you didn't kill him."

"I drove him to alcoholism! I as good as killed him."

"Sam-"

"Don't." Sam turned away from Gabe. "That's not the worst part, anyway. That's just the background."

Gabe wanted to say something, Sam could tell. But if he was stopped now, he wouldn't have the courage to continue.

"Dean raised me from then. Dropped out of school, took a job as a mechanic with a family friend. Worked stupid hours just to put food on the table. He put his entire life on hold for me. I wasn't worth it. He didn't realise that then."

Sam wiped his eyes.

"When I finished school I got a scholarship. Free ride to Stanford. Dean was ecstatic, so happy that I got to do what he couldn't. I think he was jealous too, but he would never show it. I didn't even think about what I was leaving behind. He had dropped everything for me, but I ran away and didn't look back. I was thrilled to get away. I don't even remember saying goodbye."

Gabe had taken one of Sam's hands in his own. Sam didn't have the heart to pull away.

"I wanted to do Law, so I took all the pre-Law type courses at Stanford. I took every elective I could and filled my schedule with work. I thought I was so clever, getting in on a full ride and escaping my old life. I felt free for the first time. I was stupid. I acted recklessly and I guess I paid the price."

Sam didn't know how to word the next bit nicely.

"I met a new crowd. Ruby was the ringleader – she's the ex who appeared at the gym. Super hot, popular chick, and she was interested in me. Really interested. I didn't think for a second that something was off about that. I just went with whatever she said. She got me into drinking, partying, out every night getting wasted. Then she started me on drugs, soft ones at first, but finally hardcore shit like heroin. I loved it. I loved the rush, the popularity. I fell behind on my work but I didn't care. Neither did she. We were off our faces for pretty much our entire relationship."

Gabe had tensed. Sam could feel the way his muscles had forced his fingers to contract around Sam's hand. But he said nothing, so Sam continued.

"Eventually of course, we got kicked out. Most of the others had stopped by then, pulled away before they were in too deep. I thought they were weak. But in reality they were so much stronger than me. Once I got kicked out Dean found me, and he was beyond livid. Called me a freak, a disgrace. Said I'd wasted my life. He wanted to help, stick me in rehab, but Ruby was still whispering in my ear and I trusted her, like an idiot."

Sam felt hollow. Retelling the story was eating him away inside.

"I got out eventually. I was rushed to hospital on an overdose, I collapsed by the roadside or something. That scared me, finally showed me what an idiot I was. I checked in to rehab and didn't come out until I was certain I could stay clean. Dean guided me through it. I have no idea why he still wanted to help me, but he did."

Sam glanced at Gabriel, but his face was impossible to read.

"From there it wasn't plain sailing. Most places wanted nothing to do with an ex-addict – and I did some shady shit while I was high, too. You don't want to know about the fights. I've spent more time in cells than some convicts. But I finally got qualified in fitness and persuaded somewhere that they wanted me as a personal trainer – and that was it. A normal life. I have to force myself to keep at it, sometimes. It's wrong to crave the dark days, but there's darkness in me and it wants out. But even though I don't deserve it, I made it here."

Sam pulled his hand out of Gabriel's. "I won't blame you for leaving now."

Gabe looked at Sam, and suddenly he was hugging him again, burrowing into his chest.

"You do deserve it, Sam. You deserve to be happy. Maybe you made some bad choices once, but that's the past, and you've made up for them. Stop carrying so much guilt around and let go."

Sam was stunned. Gabe was actually forgiving him?

"I can't just let go-"

"You can. Trust me, Sammy. Just make peace with your demons. Let go."

For the first time in years, Sam properly broke down and cried.

He had never deserved a second chance. He had never deserved any of this. But somehow, against all the odds, he had gained a nice life and someone he loved.

He would never doubt Gabe again.


End file.
